Dating 101–The Dreaded Premature “L Word”

John LaRosa

by John LaRosa

In a knee-jerk response to what I considered a totally premature dropping of “The L Word”, I once told a woman I’d been dating for only a couple of months that we learn more about each other when there is confrontation than when there is contentment. I proceeded to inform her that, until we had an argument, she was more likely to hear me return her expressed sentiments with words such as “like”, “care for” or “you’re the best” rather than “love”.

I further explained that I need to know how someone handles adversity before I can “let go” emotionally. It’s easy to be pleasant when things are going smoothly, but how one reacts to and rebounds from conflict is often quite revealing.  To this day, I truly believe these things, but here’s a tip to guys: while this line of thought may sound logical, trust me, NEVER verbalize it if you prefer the bedroom to the couch!)

Anyway, back to the story. After three hours of serious damage control and two bottles of very good wine, we had successfully completed our first argument. I guess you can put this into the “self-fulfilling prophecy” category. We really had nothing to argue about except for how dumb it was for me to say what I said when I said it. Despite my ill-timed downer of a comment, we remained a couple and the issue was put to rest, at least for a while. (Women never forget.)

So what can we learn from this experience?

Men and women think differently.

Logic vs. Emotion. Be very careful with “sensible” comments. What you consider reasonable might not work for her. We process differently. Know your audience. In a relationship, resist the temptation to be Star Trek’s “Mr. Spock”. (Remember, Spock and all other “logical” Vulcans were genetically programmed for ritualistic mating at seven year intervals…just a guess, but that probably doesn’t work for you!)

Ill-timed logic is the worst kind.

Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it. Some would argue that being reasonable is always a good thing, but when dating a woman, you really have to pick your spots.  When she drops “The L Word”, don’t argue, clarify or in any way, shape or form attempt to respond intellectually. Worse still, please refrain from post-coital pontificating, especially if she was really satisfied. (And if she wasn’t, don’t distract her with any talk at all. At this point, she simply doesn’t care about the relationship, the football score, pending health care legislation, or what’s in the fridge–get back to business as soon as possible!)

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

When she’s happy, be happy for and with her. SHUT UP! A nice big hug will go farther than almost anything that will ever come out of your mouth in terms of improving your relationship. Volunteering your opinions on how to “make thing better” implies that there is something wrong. The inevitable result:  she will over-analyze things and turn completely toxic for the next six months.

The Premature “L Word”

If  you really like the woman who reveals her feelings a little too soon for your emotional comfort level, just don’t complicate matters as I did by being “Mr. Buzzkill”. Talk about it when the time is right. Let things progress and see what happens. On the other hand, if a woman tells you she loves you right away or say, before she knows your last name, this article is moot. Run, my friend, run like the wind! You may be good, but you’re not that good. She’s in love with being in love, not with you!

All Comedy Aside–The Key “Take Aways”

I encourage men and women to take the time to get to know each other extremely well before saying the words “I love you”. With true love, you’re accepting the person for who they are, faults and all. Many faults, quirks and other potentially “deal-breaking” qualities may not surface until there is some type of adversity or conflict. I stand by my position of “no love talk” until there is an argument.

Gentlemen, we are not wired the same, so try to respect, validate and tread lightly on genuine emotion. Ladies, even if you feel it’s the real thing, most men are freaked out by “The L Word”, so keep that in mind before you use it. “Love” is a wonderful and powerful word. When we say it, we should not only feel, believe and mean it, but we must also fully understand its implications for our relationships.

Have a “L Word” story to share?  Leave us a comment.

XOXO